When Taylor and Raine had both arrived that night, wrapped presents in hand, Exhale could barely contain her excitement. The cold air, the ornament-clad tree, the decorations scattered around the house, the smell of pine needles and turkey, and of course the presents, made the holiday Exhale’s absolute favorite. As she led her friends into the living room, where instrumental Christmas music floated out of the speakers of the entertainment system, and chattering excitedly to them both, Magdalen stuck her head out of the kitchen and alerted them that dinner was nearly ready. The three sat on the floor in a circle, Taylor somewhat more awkwardly than the girls since this was his first time partaking in the tradition.

“I’ll go first!” Raine said eagerly, grabbing the larger of the two gifts from beside her. “Hale, this is for you.”

Trying not to look overly impatient, Exhale peeled the paper back a littler slower than she felt like and laughed when she saw what was inside. “Romeo & Juliet,” she said, holding up the VHS movie to take a better look at the cover. “Thanks, Raine!” Leaning across their circle, she embraced her friend tightly.

“Merry Christmas, Hale,” Raine replied, returning the hug. Then she picked up the smaller gift, and blushing, turned to Taylor. “I hope you don’t think this is crappy, but I didn’t know what to get you and figured this would be safe,” she said, handing it to him.

Taylor smiled when he saw it was a gift card to the music store in the mall. “No, it’s perfect. Thanks!”

“Okay, my turn,” Exhale said, itching to hand out her presents. If there was anything she loved most about Christmas, it was definitely handing out presents, especially those she had picked out herself, and watching the recipients open them. “Raine, since I’ve known you forever, you get yours first. Sorry, Taylor,” she teased, handing Raine the present that was designated for her.

Barely any of the wrapping paper had been ripped before Raine exclaimed, “Hale, I know you didn’t!” Exhale couldn’t contain her laughter as Raine ripped off the rest of the paper, revealing the four New Kids on the Block CDs within. “I can’t believe you even found these!”

“I can’t believe you even still like them,” Taylor interjected, laughing heartily at the gift.

Raine’s laughter quickly subsided as she said pointedly, “Everyone’s got their secrets, Taylor.”

“Anyway,” Exhale said, throwing Raine a look, “Taylor, this is for you.” Reaching under the tree, she grabbed the Santa jug and handed it to him, a grin overtaking her mouth when she saw the look of uncertainty on his face.

“This isn’t a joke?” he asked skeptically.

“No, it’s not a joke, I promise. Just look in it,” Exhale encouraged. Taylor pulled everything out of the jug and laid it on the carpet in front of him for inspection. The bottom of the container, he saw, was covered with a layer of silver, red, and green Hershey’s kisses. “Okay, this…” Exhale held up a small, pocket sized notebook from the pile. “This is a notebook for you to keep with you so when you think of something for a song, you can write it down. I got you a couple of earrings for that extra hole you decided to put in your head…” Exhale went on to explain the significance of each item before putting them back in the bucket.

Hugging her tightly, Taylor said, “Thanks, Hales. I knew I could count on you for something original.”

Beaming with pride, Exhale said, “Okay, your turn.”

Taylor lifted the larger of the two gifts beside him and handed it to Exhale. “Merry Christmas, Haley.”

Exhale tore open the package excitedly, finding inside a plain brown box. “Had to make this difficult, didn’t you?” she joked, grabbing his keys from the floor and using them to cut the thick box tape holding it closed.

“Hey, wait till you see what it is, and you’ll see why I couldn’t wrap it as is,” he replied.

Inside the box, all Exhale could see were white and green packing peanuts. Delving her hands into them, her fingers came into contact with cool glass. She pulled out the contents of the box and smiled when she saw the gorgeous snow globe in her hands. Shaking it up, she said, “It’s Los Angeles!”

“Yeah, I got it for you awhile back, and figured you’d appreciate it more now that we’re home,” Taylor laughed.

“Good idea,” she said, looking at it for a few more minutes before replacing it carefully in the box. If Taylor had sent her this while he was still in Los Angeles, it only would have reminded her even more painfully of the distance between them.

Once giving Raine the Prince William biography he had bought for her, Taylor stood up. “I have one more thing in the car,” he said, making his way to the front door.

Raine raised her eyebrows at Exhale when they heard the front door shut behind him. “I’m gonna guess that this surprise gift isn’t for me.”

“Shut up,” Exhale hissed, trying to appear annoyed. “What’s with that ‘everyone has secrets’ comment, Raine?”

Laughing, Raine replied, “Well, it’s true. The two of you need to quit dancing around this whole thing and just admit that-” She stopped mid-sentence when the front door opened ad closed again.

Seconds later, Taylor was coming back into the room holding a huge frame. Exhale looked at it inquisitively as he returned to his spot on the carpet, wondering what it could be. Finally, he turned it around so that she was looking at the massive collage he had constructed and framed. A gasp escaped her throat as she took it from him, her eyes wandering quickly over everything, trying to take it all in at once. Most of the collage was made up of pictures of her and Taylor together, some as far back as when they had first become friends, but the most predominant one, the one in the center, was an enlarged photo of them entangled in each others arms from his party. Other bits of memorabilia were scattered in among the pictures, like the ticket stubs from their first trip to the movies together to see Romeo and Juliet and from the Goo Goo Dolls concert, and a wrapper from a Dr. Pepper bottle, among other things. “Taylor, this is…it’s amazing,” she said slowly, looking up at him with wide eyes.

Shrugging to divert attention away from the blush steadily making it’s way up to his cheeks, Taylor said, “I figured you could use it to hang over that hole in your wall…at least until you can get it fixed.”

Upon hearing that it was more than just another gift, that it was something he had decided to make in order to cover up the chunk of her wall that Taston had taken out, her eyes watered. Exhale set the collage down to grab Taylor into a tight hug.

“This makes my gift look really pathetic,” Raine said, looking over the collage herself.

“Yours was great, Raine,” Exhale assured her, wiping away the tears as she sat back down. “Thank you both.”

“Dinner!” Ethan announced, sticking his head into the living room.

“Thanks, Ethan,” Exhale said, rising to her feet with her two friends following.

The three of them started towards the dining room, but as Taylor passed, Ethan grabbed his arm and held him back. Startled, Taylor looked at Ethan with a confused look in his eyes. “Merry Christmas,” he whispered, pressing something into Taylor’s palm.

After Ethan hurried from the room, Taylor looked down at what he had been given. It was a white envelope, folded in half, that only when he unfolded, did he read his name across the front in Exhale’s distinct handwriting. Deciding it would be safer to open when he was at his own house, Taylor pocketed the envelope and made his way into the dining room, hoping no one noticed the utterly perplexed expression on his face.

_________________

How he had made it through the night acting as if nothing was on his mind, Taylor was never quite sure. All through dinner, and even during the after-dinner conversation, his mind was plagued with trying to figure out what could possibly be inside the envelope. Why, if Ethan had been the one to give it to him, did it have his name in Exhale’s handwriting on it? By the time he had left the Brooks house, the curiosity was gnawing at him so terribly that he could barely even bear to wait until he had made the three minute drive to his house to find out what was inside. He pulled into his driveway and stayed there, knowing he wouldn’t be able to find a quiet place to open the envelope in his house with all the family that was staying over.

Shutting the car off, Taylor leaned back in the seat and sighed, knowing that whatever was in the envelope was going to change things completely. He took it from his pocket and stared at it, trying to decide if he should reveal the contents or not. Ultimately, he decided that it was too late to turn back now. He had taken the envelope, he had started home with it. It was too late to go back and give it to Ethan. Lifting the flap, he slowly removed the folded pages from inside the envelope. Taking a deep breath to prepare himself, he unfolded the pages and smoothed them out on the steering wheel in front of him, clicking on the overhead light so he could see.

On the first page, there were only a few, hastily scribbled lines.

Taylor,

I found this in Hale’s room, and I know it makes me a terrible brother giving it to you, but you have to see it.

Ethan

Now his hands were shaking and his heart was pounding furiously. The realization that this letter could completely change his feelings for Exhale and the relationship they shared was now cemented, but there was no turning back. He set the note from Ethan aside and took a second for his eyes to come into focus on the typewritten words on the pages before him. Then he began to read.

Taylor,

Even though I know in my heart I will never ever have the nerve to give you this letter, getting everything out of me once in for all might put me somewhat at ease. And if this letter can accomplish that, then it was worth it.

Starting with Rory. There is only one, simple and direct word to describe how I felt the day that you met her: jealous. I knew I had a crush on you since that first day on your porch, the day that you literally took my breath away. When Rory came into the picture, I knew that whatever tiny chance I stood of having you feel that way for me was gone. How was I supposed to compete with this goddess who wanted to be with you? Of course, what I lacked was backbone, which is why I couldn’t bring myself to tell you how I felt, even when you came to me and asked me if I had anything against the two of you dating. Of course I did. Besides falling for you even more every day, the girl hated my guts for reasons completely unknown to me at the time. I now know, but recent events have made me doubt the authenticity of her fears. Rory was jealous of the relationship you and I shared. While we no doubt had a much more meaningful relationship than you ever had with her, I took her worries to mean that she thought you had feelings for me. How wrong could she have been?

Once she was out of the picture, I allowed myself the tiniest hope that I stood a chance with you. That night at your birthday party, the feelings I felt when you were holding me were indescribable. You and I had hugged many times before then, but this was a wholly different experience for me. I felt safe, I felt like I belonged there, and I actually felt like you wanted me to belong there. That night was when everything changed. You left for Los Angeles, taking my hope with you. I know the changes in our relationship were mostly my fault. I pushed you away after you left, and it’s not something that I’m proud of, especially now in retrospect. But, Taylor, I want you to understand that I needed to push you away. My emotions were in a whirlwind, and I couldn’t afford to slip up and tell you all of the things I had been hiding from you about how I felt for you. When Taston came along, I thought I had a chance at happiness, and I took it. That relationship, however, was a bust from the beginning, because Taston never stopped being jealous of you. I don’t think I helped matters when at the dance, he told me he loved me for the first time and I responded with, “I love you too, Taylor.” The night that I ended it with him was the smartest thing I’ve ever done, the dumbest being dating him in the first place.

And so with him (mostly) out of the picture, I began focusing on your return. I had replayed my dream version of our reunion in my head a million times before that day, and decided that there was no better time to tell you how I felt about you. Or so I thought. Before I could so much as collect my thoughts and organize the words that had been thrown into a jumble upon seeing your face again, you introduced me to Reese. How in the world could I possibly admit to you how I felt for you when, standing beside you was your tiny, perfect Irish girlfriend? I felt stuck. As much as it hurt to see you with her, it hurt even more that you had kept her existence from me. As excited as I was to see you home, I wished with everything I had that it had been different. Since then, I’ve done my best to force a smile and pretend like I’m fine with you having a girlfriend who isn’t me. Inside, I’ve tried to hate both of you. I want so badly to be able to hate you for hurting me this way yet again, and I want to hate her for taking away the one person in my life I don’t know how to live without. Obviously, this is impossible given the fact that I’ve recently been able to admit to myself that I am in love with you, and that you had to pick the nicest damn girl in the world for me to compete with.

I think, after all this time, I’ve finally come to my senses. I’ve realized that it’s crazy and immature for me to ever think you could feel for me what I feel for you. I’ve seen your type, and it’s not me. Though I’ve been quick to figure that out recently, it’ll take me much longer to get over you. So now you know the truth about the dance, but how could I have ever told you that in person without first admitting that you mean everything to me, that every part of me hurts when you hurt, that I need you more than air, that I love you more than I could ever possibly love myself? I just don’t know how long it’ll take before I can look into your beautiful face as you smile your perfect smile and not melt like I have so many times before.
Love Always,
Haley

When Taylor was finished reading, he felt exhausted, not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well, as if reading her powerful, heartfelt words had depleted him of his energy completely. The car suddenly felt too small, too constricting. Suddenly desperate for air, he quickly freed himself from his seatbelt and jumped from the car. He leaned back against it, the cold air feeling amazing against his burning skin as he took great gulps of it into his lungs. After folding the letter back up, he placed it in the back pocket of his jeans and slowly made his way into the house, wondering how he was ever going to look at Exhale the same way again.

INDEX | CHAPTER THIRTY SIX