Raylene Hargrove tossed around the piles of clothes scattered across her bedroom in search of her cell phone which she could hear ringing somewhere amid the depths of fabric. She gave a satisfied, “Ha!” when she finally located it. An excited smile stretched over her face when she saw the name of her boyfriend dancing across her caller ID screen. Punching the button to answer the call, she brought the phone to her ear and said excitedly, “Hello, Zachary.” “Hey, baby, what are you doing?” Raylene surveyed the disaster of a mess her room appeared to be and laughed. “Umm…cleaning my room. Sort of. I think I’m just making more of a mess actually.” “That sounds about like you,” Zac Hanson chuckled on the other end. “So where are y’all now?” she asked, plopping down on the bed heavily. Zac closed his eyes, trying to remember the last city they had been and the one they were currently on their way to. After a few weeks on the road, they all began to blend together in his mind. “In between Philadelphia and Atlantic City…I think.” “What day do you think y’all will be home?” she asked. “My mom wants to know if she should expect you for Christmas Eve with my grandparents too or just Christmas.” “Um…Raye, that’s actually why I was calling…” The lump immediately formed in Raylene’s throat as she closed her eyes, the freezing cold hand of dread wrapping its icy fingers around her heart, and whispered, “Please don’t tell me what I think you’re about to tell me, Zac.” “Baby, I’m sorry,” he said hurriedly. “My dad thought we should add a few more dates next week, and it was my vote against everyone else’s. Our Christmas might be in New York this year…You know how bad I want to be there, Raye, I just can’t…” “How many times are you going to do this to me, Zac?” she asked accusingly. “How many times are you going to put me through this?” Squeezing his eyes shut tightly as if hoping it would make this all go away, Zac sighed and dropped his forehead into his hand. “Raye, please…don’t be mad at me.” “I’m not mad, Zac, I’m hurt,” she replied, her tone biting. “You think I’d be mad that I haven’t seen you for six months and that three times you’ve broken these kinds of promises to me? It doesn’t make me mad, Zac, but it hurts like you can’t even imagine.” “I can imagine,” Zac said softly. “I know how it feels, because it hurts me too.” They were silent for several minutes, both of them unsure how to have a normal conversation with the other after discussing the fact that they wouldn’t be together for the first time on Christmas in the three years they had been together. Finally Raylene cleared her throat and found her voice. “Well, just be careful, okay? I love you.” “I love you too. And I am sorry, Raye.” “I know you are,” she sighed. “Bye.” Zac snapped his cell phone shut and dropped it, ramming his palms into his eyes and rubbing them furiously. He didn’t look up until the curtain of his bunk opened suddenly and he was greeted with the solemn face of his older brother Taylor. “How did it go?” he asked. “Awful,” Zac said, burying his face in his hands again. “I just wish I could be a normal boyfriend for her, you know? I know that’s what she wants more than anything else, and it’s the only thing I can’t give her.” Taylor nodded understandingly. “What did she say when you told her?” Zac quickly summed up the conversation that had just taken place, hoping his brother could give him some words of advice after hearing them. “I don’t want to hurt her so much,” he said when he’d finished. “What if I end up pushing her away from me for good? I need her so bad…I can’t let that happen. But I don’t know what else I can do.” “Zac, this won’t break you guys up,” Taylor assured him as best he could. “This was pretty big news for her to get right now, and you knew going into it she wouldn’t take it well. She just misses you right now, that’s all.” “How do you and Krystal deal with all this crap and not end up like us?” he asked, wondering if there was some secret to having a great relationship in their circumstances that he was somehow unaware of. “Krystal and I aren’t perfect,” Taylor shrugged. “She gets just as upset as Raylene sometimes when we’re not home for months at a time or I miss her birthday or Christmas. It’s natural. But she loves me and she supports me and what we’re doing, even if she’s not thrilled with how it affects her. And you know Raye loves you and supports you even though we might not be there for Christmas.” “Do you think I should call her back?” Zac asked, already stretching his hand towards the phone without waiting for an answer. “No,” Taylor said, snatching it up before Zac could wrap his fingers around it. “Give her time to calm down and think about this. Call her in the morning.” Sighing, Zac tried to smile. “You’re right. Thanks, Taylor.” “Let me know if you need to talk anymore,” Taylor replied. “Goodnight.” He pulled Zac’s curtain shut and climbed into his own bunk, exhausted after a long day. Zac slid between the sheets, exhausted himself but unable to shut his brain off. He couldn’t stop thinking of how she had sounded when she’d told him how hurt she was. He turned on his side, his eyes fixing upon the picture he had tacked next to him. It was one he had with her at all times, one he studied every night when they were out on the road, no matter what city or country they happened to be in. He could remember the day he took it perfectly. He had been using up the last of a roll of film in his old camera before getting rid of it once he had gotten a digital one. She had gotten so annoyed with him as he snapped picture after picture of her doing the most random things, but couldn’t help laughing along with him as he did. The day he had gone to get the prints from Wal-Mart, he had laughed at most, recalling her words with each one. But the last one had made his heart jump to his throat. Her dark brown hair had been pulled away from her face, several strand escaping and framing her face. Her eyebrows were arched slightly, and the smallest hint of a smile was on her face. He had gotten so close to take it that the picture was only of her face, every detail down to the light dusting of freckles across her nose in perfect focus. He had been able to capture that mischievous glint in her pale green eyes that he loved so much. “I’m sorry, Raye,” he whispered before letting his heavy eyelids close for the night. _________________ “Raye! Have you even heard a single word I’ve said?” Loren Richmond said, waving her hand playfully in front of her best friend’s eyes. Raylene snapped from her haze suddenly, turning ashamedly to Loren. “Umm…no,” she admitted. “What were you saying?” “Forget it,” Loren said with a toss of her hand. “What’s up? You usually love Christmas shopping. Why are you so out of it today?” “Last night I got the phone call I was dreading,” Raylene disclosed dejectedly. “Zac’s probably not going to be home for Christmas. And if he says ‘probably,’ that’s just his nice way of saying he won’t be here.” “Damn, that sucks,” Loren offered apologetically. “I know,” Raylene sighed. “I don’t know when I’ll get to see him again. God, I miss him so much, you know?” “Yeah, but you knew going into it that it wasn’t going to be easy,” Loren pointed out as gently as she could. “I know that…But when we started dating, we didn’t have as strong of a bond as we have now. I mean, even though him being away all the time wasn’t easy, it was easier. Now it’s like every time he’s away, I feel like he’s never coming back. The touring and recording and promoting…it seems like it’s non-stop.” Loren sighed. “Look, this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but maybe you should break up with him, Raye. Or at least take a break or something. You’re eighteen years old, you should be out dating and having fun and meeting people. When was the last time you came out with us on the weekends instead of sitting around waiting for Zac to call?” “I see what you’re saying, but it’s not that easy,” Raylene explained. “It’s not fair to him, and I love him too much to just end it like that.” Loren sighed. “You’re a strong woman, Raylene. I never would have been able to put up with all this for so long. I wish you all the luck in the world.” ________________ Raylene groaned and rolled over in bed, squinting her eyes to bring the glaring red numbers of her alarm clock into focus. Sighing in defeat, she reached for her glasses and slid them on her face. The red blob formed into 9:32. She flopped back on her pillow, trying to ignore the Christmas music her mother was blaring downstairs but finding it utterly impossible to do so. Voices singin’ let’s be jolly, deck the halls with boughs of holly… The female singer’s voice rudely invaded her ears. “Yeah, jolly my ass,” she muttered to herself, sitting up and letting her feet fall soundlessly to the carpet. Her eyes taunted her, landing automatically on her calendar where weeks ago she had circled Christmas and written in bright red letters “ZAC HOME!!” Raylene pulled on a thick sweatshirt over her pajamas and shuffled down the stairs to the kitchen where she found her mother dancing around in her pajamas while beginning the preparations for the feast to take place later on in the day. They didn’t usually have many people over on Christmas Eve, just her paternal grandparents and her dad’s brother along with his wife and kids, all of whom spent Christmas Day with other family. This year, however, Loren had insisted on coming over to exchange gifts that night instead of doing it on the 23rd as they usually did. In exchange, Raylene’s mother had found it necessary to go all out for the Christmas Eve meal in addition to the Christmas Day meal. Raylene watched her mother wistfully, wishing with everything inside her to be that carefree and happy. The lump of sadness in her throat reminded her harshly that her Christmas wouldn’t be all she had hoped it would be, preventing anything of those kinds of feelings from taking over her. “Morning!” she said loudly to be heard over the music. Her startled mother spun around on the heel of her Winnie the Pooh slippers at the unexpected sound of her daughter’s voice behind her. A warm smile crossed her face. “Good morning, baby. Are you hungry?” “I’m just gonna get some cereal,” Raylene said, making her way to the pantry. “Well don’t fill up. We’re eating early!” her mother reminded her cheerily. “I know.” Raylene poured a generous amount of Raisin Bran into a bowl and filled it with milk, grabbed a spoon, and carried it to the living room. The Christmas tree was aglow with white lights, the various ornaments hanging perfectly among its branches. Presents gushed out from beneath it, completely covering the tree skirt that hugged the base of the tree. A fire was raging in the fireplace and outside the window, she could the blinking colors of the lights hanging on their house, making different patterns on the glass and distorting the soft white snow that had begun falling to the ground. It was a picture perfect Christmas, and Raylene couldn’t be more depressed. The cheerful Christmas song playing from the radio ended, and when the next one began, Raylene felt tears began pricking her eyes. It had always been her favorite song of the season, but it had never affected her as personally as it did that Christmas Eve morning. Take
back the holly and mistletoe I
don’t need expensive things You
are the angel atop my tree I
don’t need expensive things Tears blurred her vision, turning her now soggy and uneaten cereal into a wobbly blob. Her heart ached; her insides felt cold and empty. I shouldn’t feel like this on Christmas, she scolded herself. Suddenly not the least bit hungry, she deposited the bowl in the kitchen sink and hurried back up to her room. Hours passed and Raylene spent them silently in her bed, the thick comforter providing a shield from what she knew the afternoon would hold. When her father began knocking insistently on her door and reminding her that their guests would be arriving soon, she pulled herself from bed and forced herself to get dressed. She pulled on a white top with a thick red V-neck sweater that she hoped would provide the same protection her comforter had. She didn’t leave the room until the first ring of the doorbell to signal someone’s arrival. Pulling her hair away from her face into a messy bun, she plastered the best fake smile she could on her lips and headed down the stairs. The night was passing so slowly. Each minute felt like several hours, and even with Loren there, Raylene wanted nothing more to go up to her room and wallow in self-pity until this miserable holiday was over. They ate the incredible dinner Raylene’s mom had prepared, and then while the adults talked over coffee around the table, Raylene’s young cousins enjoyed their dessert in front of the television while watching Christmas movies. It wasn’t until nearly eight that night that the adults finally made their way into the living room to open presents. Raylene looked at her watch every few minutes, reminding herself of how painfully slow the hands were moving. She unwrapped her presents when it was her turn and smiled as best she could. She even went around to give thank-you hugs when all of the presents were opened, but all of her moves were automatic, and she barely realized she was doing them. Her mind was completely elsewhere. The paper strewn carelessly about the room was eventually picked up. Only after that did her mother put her hands on her hips and say incredulously, “Loren, I can’t believe we forgot about Raylene’s other present that we got for her!” “Oh, yeah!” Loren exclaimed, looking surprised. Raylene glanced warily between her mother and her best friend, hoping they hadn’t come up with some elaborate scheme to make her forget the fact that Zac wasn’t there and wouldn’t be. Before she could question them, the doorbell rang, and she could swear her mother turned away to hide her laughter. “Raye, go get that,” her dad called from the couch. Raylene sighed and rose to her feet, too tired to argue. She stepped over her cousins, all playing with their new toys, and made her way to the front door. “Who is it?” she called, letting her hand fall to the knob. “A guy who wants to see you so bad he’s out here freezing his balls off,” came the reply. Her heart leaped to her throat at the sound of his voice, her mind telling her it couldn’t possibly be who she thought it was. She was afraid to open the door, afraid that if she did, who she hoped would be there wouldn’t be and her disappointment would intensify. Taking in a deep breath, she pushed her negative thoughts away and pulled the door open. The sight before her made tears instantly spring to her eyes. He smiled, taking a tentative step forward, and that was all it took for her to break down. The tears poured from her cheeks as she threw her arms around his neck and buried her face in his freezing coat. His familiar smell surrounded her and the tightness of his arms around her made every ounce of cold within her flare with newfound warmth. Even the cold wind blowing in from the still open door and the white snow falling in around their feet couldn’t touch her. He pulled back a little to kiss her, but paused when his eyes beheld the saltwater trickling down her face. “Why are you crying?” he whispered. “Because I’m so happy,” she said with her first real smile since the day of the infamous phone call. Zac could feel his knees tremble slightly when that smile brought the twinkle to her eyes. He brought his freezing hand up to her face and brushed her tears away with his thumb then covered her smile with one of his own. He kicked the door shut behind him. They embraced a moment longer before an involuntary shudder passed trough his body. “Oh, God, you must be freezing. Here, give me your jacket and we’ll go by the fire.” Zac obliged and shrugged out of his coat. “So how were you able to come?” she asked softly, hanging his coat on the rack and then rubbing his cold hands between her warm ones. “Because I promised you I would be here, and promises were meant to be kept.” “But how-” “Shh...” Zac grinned and silenced her with a soft kiss. “Don’t worry about that okay? The point is, I’m here.” Raylene shrugged, knowing her parents and Loren obviously had a large part in his getting home on Christmas. Zac sat around the fire visiting with the family for awhile before Raylene said, “Your present’s up in my room…Come with me?” Zac nodded and followed her up the stairs. He sat on her unmade bed while she dug around in the closet, producing a perfectly wrapped box. She handed it to him and took a seat beside him, watching him as he peeled the paper away. “It’s simple, I know,” she said when he produced the large, heart-shaped picture frame filled with a collage of pictures of them together. “But I wanted you to have something to look at besides that tired old picture every night, and I want you to look at it and remember that you’re always in my heart, no matter how far away we are.” “It’s not simple though, because it’s from you,” he replied, planting a kiss on her lips. “And you and I must have been getting the same vibe,” he chuckled, taking a small velvet box from his pocket and opening it to reveal a heart shaped diamond set in a white gold band. “Merry Christmas.” “Oh my God, Zac…” she whispered as he slid it on the ring finger of her left hand. “Is this a promise ring?” she asked, laughing lightly when he smiled and nodded. “God, then I can’t wait to see the engagement ring!” Zac laughed and pulled her into his arms, squeezing her tightly. “I missed you so much, Raye,” he said softly, twirling stray strands of her hair around his calloused finger. “I’m sorry I almost broke my promise.” “The point is that you’re here,” she said, planting a kiss on his temple. Zac touched his lips to her forehead, then trailed a line of kisses down her nose and to her mouth. “Merry Christmas,” he whispered again. Letting her fingers tangle in his soft hair she said, “Merry Christmas, Zac.” The song that only hours ago had driven her nearly to clinical depression again echoed in her head. Only this time, Raylene smiled. And as she looked in Zac’s smiling eyes, she thought, All that I wanted couldn’t be found under the Christmas tree…it simply showed up at my front door. FICTION |
