Adeline Hanson sighed as she shut the pantry and added macaroni and cheese, cereal, granola bars, and cat treats to the grocery list on the counter before opening the refrigerator and surveying its contents. From the living room, the sounds of Lyric’s voice traveled to her ears as the little girl played with her dollhouse and the plastic members of the family who lived in it. Aside from her youngest child’s voice, the house was completely empty. Anya and Endia would be in school for a few more hours, and Taylor would be working until much later that evening. Adeline found herself wondering what she was going to do when Lyric started pre-kindergarten in the fall and leave Adeline alone in the house all day, five days a week.

It was times like those when Adeline almost wished she had followed her mother-in-law’s lead and home-schooled her girls. But the girls wanted their independence and to have a normal social life, so as long as they were in Tulsa they went to private school, and only had to learn by way of tutors when their father and uncles went on tour and brought their families along with them. Now, though, it had been years since Hanson had embarked on a tour, so the girls had been able to enjoy several years of normal adolescence.

Glancing at the clock, Adeline realized it was already one-thirty, and she’d have to leave soon for the grocery if she wanted to be back before Anya and Endia arrived home from school. Although Anya was old enough to look after her younger sister in her mother’s absence, Adeline didn’t like to not be home when the girls got home if she could help it. “Lyric!” she called, folding the grocery list and tucking it into her purse. “Let’s get your coat on, sweetie.”

Lyric appeared in the foyer, skipping along with her braided blonde pigtails flapping behind her. “Where we going?” she asked curiously, obligingly slipping her arms into the thick pink coat her mother was holding out for her.

“To the store,” Adeline answered with a smile. She knelt down in front of her daughter to zip the coat up, then tweaked the little girl’s nose playfully and pulled a matching pink cap down over Lyric’s pigtails. “All bundled?” she asked, rising to her feet.

“Yep!” Lyric announced proudly. She took her mother’s outstretched hand and they hurried together through the cold January air to the car.

No sooner had Adeline secured Lyric into her booster seat and backed the car out of the driveway did she remember that she had left her cell phone sitting on the kitchen counter. With a frustrated huff, she considered going back in for it, but decided against it when she realized she’d have to extricate Lyric from the car and put her back in. No matter how safe the gated community they lived in had proven to be over the years, Adeline still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her baby girl in the car even for five seconds unsupervised.

“How come Daddy didn’t come home last night?” Lyric asked suddenly from the backseat.

Startled by the question, Adeline glanced up into the rearview mirror to catch a glimpse of her daughter. Lyric was playing with the ends of one of her pigtails, brushing the hair back and forth over her lips as if in serious thought. Though she was young, Adeline suspected Lyric understood a lot more about her parents’ failing marriage than people thought she was capable of comprehending. “He did, baby. You were already sleeping,” Adeline said, forcing cheeriness into her voice.

“But he wasn’t there when I woke up,” Lyric continued.

“He left for work very very early this morning, when you were still dreaming,” Adeline replied.

The answer seemed to satisfy her, and for the rest of the ride to the grocery store, Lyric amused herself by singing songs she had picked up from one of the Nickelodeon shows she loved to watch in the mornings while she ate her breakfast. Adeline loved to listen to her sing. Her voice was clear and sweet, and always in perfect tune. It was something she had obviously inherited from her father, because Adeline couldn’t hold a note if her life depended on it.

Arriving at the store, Adeline slid the black SUV into a parking space and removed Lyric from her seat, grabbing a hold of the little girl’s hand and hurrying into the store. “We’d better be quick so we can get home before your sisters!”

After an hour of pushing the cart around the store and filling it while Lyric chattered on about random things that three year olds talk about, and fifteen minutes of waiting in line, Adeline was pushing the full cart of bagged groceries out to the car and loading them into the back. Once Lyric was buckled into her seat, and Adeline started the car, the traffic report started on the radio. “Perfect timing,” Adeline said, turning it up as the announcer discussed traffic downtown.

“And an accident with a fatality on the Broken Arrow Expressway is causing traffic for nearly ten miles,” the announcer continued.

The announcer continued talking, but Adeline zoned out, a strange feeling settling into the pit of her stomach as Taylor’s face flashed into her mind suddenly. Shaking her head to erase the image, Adeline reminded herself that Taylor had no reason to be on the Expressway since their studio was only minutes away from their house and accessible by back streets that allowed him to bypass traffic. Still, as she pulled into the driveway beside the car she and Taylor had given Anya as a sixteenth birthday present, the strange feeling didn’t go away. She had just removed Lyric from her seat and handed her a light bag of groceries to carry inside when Anya and Endia exited the house and came down to the car to help.

“Mom, you forgot your cell phone again!” Anya said with a roll of her eyes as Adeline stopped the both to peck them on the cheeks in greeting before they went to the back of the car to retrieve bags. “Aunt Ella called you a million times, and she just called the house and said you need to call her back. It sounds important.”

“Ella?” Adeline wondered aloud. “I wonder what could be so important…” Setting the groceries down on the counter, she picked up her cell phone and checked the list of missed calls, seeing that indeed her sister-in-law had called six times since she’d left the house. “You girls finish getting the groceries!” Adeline called, dialing Ella’s number back and beginning to put things away in the pantry and fridge as she listened to it ring.

“Hello?” Ella’s voice was shaking when she finally answered.

“Hey, Ella, it’s Adeline. What’s going on?” Adeline asked, the fluttering in her stomach suddenly feeling heavier at Ella’s tone.

“Jesus, Adeline, where have you been?” Ella said with a sigh. Without waiting for an answer, she said, “I guess you haven’t heard what happened…”

“No, what happened?” Adeline asked.

Ella sighed again, her voice growing quieter as she said, “You should probably sit down…”

“Ella,” Adeline said sternly, setting down the box of cereal clutched tightly in her hand. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“Walker is…he’s been in an accident.”

Adeline gasped, her hand flying up to her mouth immediately. “An accident? What kind of accident? I mean, is he okay…is it serious?”

“Yeah, it’s…serious,” Ella answered, her voice nearly a whisper now.

”Well, what hospital is he at? I’ll get down there right away, and-”

When Ella spoke next, Adeline could hear the tears in her voice. “He’s not in the hospital, Add,” Ella choked. “We’re at Diana’s, and…I think you should get here.”

“If it’s serious, why isn’t he…” The realization hit her like a bolt of lightening and Adeline felt all of the air escape her lungs as if someone had just smashed her chest with a two-by-four. “Oh my God, the…the traffic report, I heard it…and…Ella, he’s…?”

“You need to get here,” Ella repeated, her voice breaking. “Taylor’s here, and…he’s asking for you. He needs you.”

Adeline couldn’t even remember the last time Taylor had needed her, so to hear Ella say he did was strange to her, even in light of the circumstances. “I’m on my way,” she said, hanging up the phone quickly.

“Mom?” Endia said curiously when Adeline shakily lifted her purse to her shoulder and looked around frantically for her keys until she realized Anya was holding them out to her.

Blinking back tears and forcing a smile, Adeline looked over her girls who were all staring at her expectantly, waiting for an explanation. She wanted so badly to take them with her and explain to them what had happened, but she knew the Hanson house was going to be absolute chaos, and she didn’t want to expose them to that so soon after hearing the news. Though she knew it probably wasn’t the best way of handling it, Adeline rationalized to herself that it would be better to tell them all later when things had calmed down a little. “I’ll be back in a little while, okay?” she said, pulling them each in for a tight hug and kissing the tops of their heads. “Make sure you feed your sisters, okay, Anya? And both of you get your homework done.”

“What do I do?” Lyric asked, seeming disappointed at not being given a task.

“You make sure these guys do what they’re supposed to,” Adeline said, tweaking Lyric’s nose and hurrying out of the house before the older girls could recover from their confusion and question her.

With trembling hands, it took Adeline three tries to get the key into the ignition and start the car. The entire drive towards Taylor’s parents’ house, the house he had grown up in and the house where they had celebrated every Thanksgiving and Christmas since they’d begun dating, Adeline felt like her brain was on overload. Everything from Walker, to the accident, to Taylor, to wondering if she had gotten enough eggs at the store flashed through her mind, and none of it made sense.

The weird feeling in her stomach exploded into a horrible, churning, nauseous feeling the second Adeline threw open the front door and walked into the house without anything to signal arrival. As she tumbled into the living room noisily. Diana was the only one making any noise as she sat in her armchair, wailing and crying hysterically, calling her husband’s name while tears showered heavily down her flushed cheeks. Her daughters were spread around her, holding her hands and stroking her hair while crying their own tears, while beyond the living room in the kitchen, Adeline could see Jessica and Avery’s husbands talking quietly Zac was on the loveseat, leaning forward against his knees and his eyes glassy as he stared off at something no one else could see while his wife Lara rubbed her hand in circles over his back. Ella was on the arm of the sofa with Isaac seated beside her, his arm around her waist and his head laying against her side while she stroked his hair quietly. And then there was Taylor, seated beside his older brother with his hands over his face. Stopping in the entry way, Adeline let her eyes survey the room once again, not knowing what she should do first.

Finally, Taylor uncovered his face and turned to look at her. She could hear her heart pounding roughly in her ears when she made eye contact with him. His eyes were red and swollen, and his cheeks a bright shade of pink that she had never seen before. It was obvious he had been holding in his emotions for quite some time. He pushed himself up to his feet and made his way to her slowly, his lip beginning to tremble. Though they had been together for over two decades, he stood before her awkwardly as if he wasn’t sure whether she would allow him to touch her. Seeing him look so vulnerable, so needy, so pained, made Adeline forget things had ever been flawed between them, and she simply opened her arms. That was all the prompting Taylor needed, as he quickly closed the distance between them and collapsed into her embrace. “Oh God, baby, I’m so sorry,” she said, feeling the tears burning her eyelids begin to slide down her cheeks.

Taylor crushed her against his chest, his entire body trembling. “My dad’s dead, Addy,” he whispered.

“I know, baby,” she said quietly, feeling the warmth of his tears on her neck. She didn’t say anything else, knowing that her presence would provide more comfort than any words of condolence would.

Pulling away from her slightly, Taylor glanced over his shoulder at his mother, still screaming and crying hysterically, and the anguished look on his face intensifying. “I need air,” he said, pushing the palms of his hands over his cheeks and raking one hand back through his hair. Adeline nodded and stepped aside to let him pass her, thinking he needed a moment to be alone and compose himself. But as he went to step into the foyer, he reached down and took a hold of her hand and looked up at her for approval. Nodding, Adeline followed him outside, keeping her grip on his hand firm. The air was still cold, and the wind still blew harshly, burning her skin where the tears had wet her cheeks. The wind whipped her wavy blonde hair around her face, but she didn’t notice any of those things as much as she normally would have as Taylor leaned against their SUV and pulled her against him wrapping his arms around her tightly. Tilting his head back against the vehicle and staring up at the sky, Taylor swallowed thickly before speaking. “Adeline…why’d you come?”

“Because you needed me,” she said simply. His body was trembling, but though he wasn’t wearing a coat, Adeline doubted it had anything to do with the cold.

“I didn’t think you were going to, honestly…” Taylor admitted quietly. “And I wouldn’t have blamed you for it. I’ve been a shitty husband, and an even shittier father, and…you guys have needed me so many times in all these years, and I haven’t been there. Why should I expect you to be here for me?”

“At a time like this, none of those things matter. All that matters is that I’ve never stopped loving you, and you’re my husband, and you need me,” Adeline said, swallowing back the sob in her throat. It hurt to hear Taylor verbalize that he didn’t expect her to still be there to support him because of how he had acted in the last few years.

“God, do you have any idea how scared I was?” Taylor asked, tilting his head down and kissing her forehead while bringing a hand up to her cheek. “When Ella called the studio and told us something was wrong and…that there had been an accident…My heart just fell to my feet, and all I could think was that something had happened to you or the girls, and…the whole way here, all I could imagine was that you could be gone and you’d have no idea how much I love you, because I don’t show you enough, and…”

“Taylor,” Adeline said, placing a hand on his chest to stop him from continuing. “I don’t want you to worry about that right now.”

Tucking his hand under her chin, Taylor raised her eyes to lock with his. “I don’t want to run from it anymore, Add,” he said, blinking his swollen eyes quickly. “Today, it…it made me realize I could lose anyone I love, just that quick…and…” He paused and smoothed his hand down over her hair tenderly. “God, I just can’t believe he’s gone…that I’m never going to see him again.”

Adeline didn’t say anything. Instead they stood there in the cold, their arms wound around each other and trying to provide warmth but failing.

Hours later, Diana had finally worn herself out to where she was sleeping restlessly slumped over in the chair. Ella and Isaac, as well as Zac and Lara left quietly to return home to their children earlier. Someone had finally been able to get in touch with Mackenzie at work, and he had come over for a little while, but had left with Ella and Isaac after seeing his mother in such a state. Both Ella and Adeline had tried unsuccessfully to convince him to come spend a couple of nights with one of them instead of returning home to his empty apartment, but Mackenzie had politely refused. Zoë had fallen asleep on the loveseat, and Avery had volunteered to stay the night, urging her husband along with Jessica and her husband to go home.

Adeline glanced over to Taylor as she drove. He had still been visibly shaken as they left, and she didn’t feel comfortable letting him drive his own vehicle back to the house. He had his elbow on the armrest of the door, his chin propped in his hand while his head laid against the glass of the window, bouncing rhythmically against it with the rumbling of the car on the road. Though his eyes were closed, Adeline knew he wasn’t sleeping. She didn’t speak to him during the car ride, not wanting to disturb his thoughts any more than they already were. And besides, she had absolutely no idea what to say to him or what she could say that would even matter.

When they arrived home, Adeline gripped his hand on the way up to the front door, squeezing it gently. She was thankful that it was already eleven forty-five because it meant the girls would be in bed, and together, she and Taylor could explain what had happened to them in the morning. As they entered the house and shrugged off their coats, Adeline could hear the television going in the living room. “I’ll go turn the TV off,” she said, hanging up their coats in the closet. “The girls must have forgotten it was on.” She had meant her words as a way of telling him he could head upstairs to shower or go to bed, but he stayed close behind her, finding her hand again in the dark house.

Adeline gasped when they entered the living room and found it wasn’t empty. Anya was seated on the couch, her arms crossed tightly over her chest and tears running down her cheeks as she turned her angry eyes from the television to her parents. “You couldn’t even call?” she spat out harshly, causing Adeline to jump at her tone. “You couldn’t even call to tell me my grandpa is dead? I had to hear about it on the ten o’clock news?!”

“Oh, Anya…” Adeline said, releasing her hold on Taylor and hurrying to her daughter. “I’m sorry…I didn’t know how to tell you yet.”

“I was so scared!” Anya sobbed into her mother’s chest, forgetting her anger the second she was in Adeline’s arms. “I don’t want him to be gone.”

“None of us do,” Adeline whispered, brushing her hand over Anya’s thick golden hair.

Anya looked up to find her father still hovering in the doorway. Without a word of persuasion, she jumped to her feet and hurried across the living room and practically tackled Taylor in a tight hug. Whether she was holding him, or vice versa, no one in the room knew. “I love you, Daddy,” she said with another sob.

“I love you too, Princess,” Taylor said gently, kissing the top of her head.

Adeline felt the ironic need to smile at the sound of the names they had stopped calling each other years ago, and she left them to their moment to go upstairs and check on the other girls. Endia was fast asleep, her cheeks dry and indicating she had no idea what had transpired since Adeline had rushed from the house earlier that afternoon. Thinking about it, it felt as though years had passed since she’d left. After placing a gentle kiss on Endia’s forehead and pulling the covers up around her shoulders, Adeline slipped quietly from the room and moved down the hall to Lyric’s room. As soon as she cracked the door open, Lyric’s tired eyes popped open and she groggily asked, “Daddy?”

“Nope, it’s Mommy,” Adeline whispered, moving through the dark room towards her bed. “Go back to sleep, baby.”

“But when’s Daddy coming home?” Lyric asked with a yawn as Adeline urged her to lay back down.

“I’m right here,” Taylor said from the doorway. Adeline glanced over her shoulder and saw him walking towards them, his face looking aged and exhausted in the pale moonlight filtering through the blinds. “Hey, Angel,” he said softly, kneeling down beside Adeline at the edge of the bed and touching Lyric’s cheek.

The sight of tears on her father’s face seemed to throw Lyric into a panic. Throwing her arms around his neck, she stated firmly, “I want to sleep with you and Mommy.”

“Come on, Angel,” Taylor said, his voice weak with a mixture of sadness and exhaustion. He lifted her into his arms and carried her into their bedroom with Adeline following close behind. Settling her in the center of the bed, he pulled off his T-shirt and closed himself into the bathroom for a quick shower. Adeline felt too exhausted to shower, so after changing into her pajamas, she slid into the bed beside Lyric who had already fallen back asleep. As she laid there in the dark, listening to the sound of the rushing water in the bathroom, she tried to make sense of all that had happened, but found it impossible. Minutes later, Taylor emerged in his flannel pants, dropping his towel into the hamper and getting in to bed without worry for his wet hair hanging around his face. Climbing into bed on the other side of Lyric, he propped himself up on his elbow and looked at his wife. “What are you still doing up?” he whispered.

“Couldn’t sleep,” she whispered back, forcing a tiny smile.

Reaching over their sleeping child, Taylor brushed his fingertips over her cheek before leaning down and pressing his lips tightly against Adeline’s. “I love you, Add,” he whispered. “Thank you…for everything today.” Without waiting for her to reply, Taylor turned his back towards her and settled against the pillow.

Their restless sleep was interrupted early the next morning when the door to their bedroom flew open and crashed into the wall. Both of them sat up quickly, and Lyric stirred at the sudden sounds and movements. Endia stood in the doorway sobbing hysterically before jumping into the bed and into Adeline’s arms. Anya stood in the entryway behind her with silent tears rolling down her cheeks, and Adeline wondered what had made her break the news to her younger sister. She wondered if it was selfish of her to be glad she didn’t have to do it herself. Taylor put an arm around Adeline and Endia while Lyric crawled into the embrace, then extended his other arm silently out to Anya, who accepted slowly. And together, the five of them grieved. Adeline felt it strange that they hadn’t done anything together as a family for many years, yet it was mourning the loss of Walker Hanson that brought them together.

When the family embrace ended, Anya and Endia took Lyric downstairs to fix breakfast for themselves, while Adeline gathered clothes for a shower. She knew the day would be busy, since she was going with Isaac and Ella to begin making funeral arrangements. Taylor alerted her that he was going to get dressed an go with her, despite her insistence that he should stay home and rest. He had spent the entire night tossing and turning. When she gave in trying to convince him otherwise, she got into the shower, and by the time she emerged, Taylor was sprawled across the bed fast asleep, the sounds of his heavy breathing the only sound in the entire house.

After dressing and kissing him softly, Adeline slipped out of the room and went downstairs. She warned the girls to keep it quiet and not disturb their father, then made the drive to Isaac and Ella’s. Her knock upon their front door was answered by their seventeen-year-old son Elijah, who hugged his aunt and welcomed her inside. The mood, she found, was similar to the one she had just left. As she got into the vehicle with Isaac and his wife, Adeline was thankful for Isaac’s strength. Though she knew he was hurting just as badly as his siblings inside, he remained strong and clear-headed enough to help with the arrangements.

By the time Adeline arrived home that night, she was physically exhausted and emotionally drained. Silence greeted her as she placed her coat in the coat closet, and she walked through the house, her heels clicking on the hardwood floors as she looked around to find where everyone was. She found Taylor in the kitchen, still in his pajama pants as he had been when she’d left that morning. One hand was supporting his head while the other pushed his fork around a plate of reheated spaghetti from dinner two nights earlier, his eyes glazed and fixed on the food. He looked up at her with red and bloodshot eyes when he heard her set her keys on the counter, gazing at her tiredly. “You’re not hungry?” Adeline asked, dropping her purse on the table and sitting beside him.

“It’s like I want to eat, but I just…can’t,” he said, his voice hoarse as he dropped the fork with a sigh and rubbed his face with his hands. “Damn it,” he cursed, balling his hand into a fist and slamming it into the table. “It just feels like it’s never going to stop hurting.”

“It might never stop hurting,” Adeline said, placing a hand on his thigh. “But your family – your brothers and sisters, your girls, me…we’re going to get through this together, okay?”

“Adeline…even though you should have given up on me a long time ago…I’m glad you didn’t.”

______________

The days until the funeral passed by in a whirlwind of decision making and paper signing, until the morning of the funeral arrived and Adeline awoke feeling as though she hadn’t slept in days. After waking the girls and instructing them to get dressed, Adeline returned to her bedroom to find Taylor seated on the edge of the bed and staring into his closet, his red eyes blank and looking completely lost. The image burned in her mind, imprinting itself on her memory. Without a word, Adeline crossed the room and removed his suit from the closet, draping it beside him on the bed and pressing her lips to his forehead tenderly. “Taylor…I know this is hard for you, baby, but you need to start getting ready, okay?”

“Can’t do this, Add…I just…I can’t,” he said, shaking his head. Adeline sat beside him and slid her arms around his shoulders. Her cheek fell against his head as he wrapped his arms around her, digging his fingers into her back as he fought off another wave of the tears that he couldn’t seem to control. She rocked him slowly, saying nothing with the knowledge that her words wouldn’t ease his pain. After ten minutes, he let his arms fall away from her and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I need a shower,” he said quickly as if nothing had happened before leaving her side and entering the bathroom.

Adeline continued getting ready while he showered and dressed, and checked in on the girls’ progress. Though she knew wearing all black to a funeral was nearly an outdated custom, she couldn’t think of anything more appropriate for herself. After slipping on a simple black dress with a black cardigan and heels, she applied her makeup and helped Taylor with his tie when he exited the shower and dressed in his suit. Anya and Endia had dressed in black skirts with appropriately colored tops, and had helped Lyric into the jade green dress Walker and Diana had gotten for her only a month before on Christmas. Adeline pulled some of Lyric’s hair back into a half-ponytail and secured it with a matching green bow and helped her into her white tights and black Mary Janes.

The five of them piled silently into the SUV and headed to the church, Taylor keeping his hand rested inside Adeline’s the whole way. When she pulled into the parking lot, Taylor tensed and no one moved when she cut the engine. “Grandpa’s not going to be here anymore, huh?” Lyric asked, breaking the thick silence in the car.

Adeline looked over at Taylor, who looked a little shocked at his daughter’s question. “She’s more perceptive than we realize,” she murmured with a gentle smile, thinking that in this very car, that very same thought had passed through her mind only days before.

Turning in his seat, Taylor looked Lyric in the eyes and said slowly, “No, Lyric…he’s not. Grandpa…died. And when you die, you go to Heaven and your family can’t see you anymore. But you can still see him if you close your eyes and think about him. He’ll always be there, in your heart and in your mind.”

“Is that why you don’t smile anymore, Daddy? Because you’re sad about Grandpa going to Heaven?”

“Lyric!” Anya said sharply, trying to shush her sister’s questions.

“It’s okay,” Taylor said softly. “She should know these things…Lyric, I need you to smile extra pretty for me today, okay? Grandpa loved your smile, and so do I.”

“I can do that!” Lyric said proudly, grinning at her father. Just as Adeline unbuckled her seatbelt and went to exit the car, she saw the corners of Taylor’s mouth turn up into a tiny, yet visible, smile. And in that simple little gesture, that tiny smile, she knew everything would be okay.

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