CHAPTER FIVE

Taylor shifted on his feet nervously. He had been standing on the Neves’ porch for exactly three minutes, and in that time, he had raised his hand to knock five times. But every time his knuckles came so close to the door, he would let it fall to his side. He still had no idea what he was going to say to Jackson, but he knew his time of making her wait was running out. She was becoming less and less willing to accommodate him, wanting nothing more than for the baby to be out of her and for everything to return to normal.

Finally, on his seventh attempt, Taylor managed to let his knuckles come in contact with the door. It swung open seconds later, revealing a very distraught Jackson. “Jacks…” he said so quietly that she almost didn’t hear. He hadn’t seen her since three days before she’d told him she was going to have an abortion, and that was over a week ago already. They had never spent so much time apart, save for family vacations and other events of that sort. Never had they chosen to not see each other the way they had this last week.

“What do you want, Taylor?” she asked, her voice sounding completely empty, void of any emotion except fatigue. She was almost unrecognizable. Her face, usually so bright and cheerful, was now sallow and pale, and her chocolate brown eyes appeared dull and sunken in. Her hair was tied back and in such a mess that it looked as if it had been that way for days. Exhaustion was obvious in every inch of her body, which looked ready to collapse any second. And the evidence of the life inside her was beginning to become palpable.

“I want to talk to you…Can we talk?” he asked, his heart moved with pity when he realized that as determined and sure as she always seemed on the phone, this decision wasn’t sitting well with her either. He thought to himself how selfish he had been to think that she wasn’t at all affected emotionally by her decision.

“There’s really nothing to talk about.” As different as her appearance was, her voice was just the same, hard and determined. “I’ve made my decision.”

“Jackson,” he said, suddenly finding his voice, “please, just let me tell you my side of this. If you hear everything I have to say and can still look me dead in the eyes and tell me that this is what you want, then I’ll walk away and never bring it up with you again. But you have to at least give me a chance…hear me out. I think I deserve that much.”

“Fine,” she said, looking defeated as she moved to the side to let him enter the house.

Taylor’s mind became jumbled as he made his way to the living room without even being able to bring himself to kiss her in greeting. After his little speech pleading with her to hear him out, he knew he had to give her something spectacular in order to be effective. And he was coming up blank. They sat rigidly beside each other on the couch, Taylor rubbing his sweaty palms over the knees of his pants. He stared down at the magazines arranged perfectly on the coffee table before him, willing his thoughts to organize themselves, to make something coherent come out. Finally he just began talking, hoping that his words would have an effect on her.

“Jackson, I love you more than anything…more than I think you realize. Nothing you could do would ever make me stop loving you, not even an abortion,” he began shakily, turning his body so that he could look at her as he spoke and gauge her reaction. So far, her head was still hung, looking down at her hands clasped tightly in her lap. But he continued anyway, knowing she was taking in every syllable. “But, baby, I can’t let you do this,” he said softly. “I know this is going to be difficult, and I’ve stopped trying to convince myself otherwise. I’ve been thinking about this since the moment you told me you wanted to have an abortion, and never once did I think that it was something I’d want you to do. Because you and I both know that even if you do that, things will never go back to normal between us or with anyone else. I know you think you’re making the right decision, but I helped make this baby just as much as you did, and I feel like I should have my say in what happens from now on. I can’t make you do or not do anything, I know that, but I want you to know that I’m ready to take on this responsibility with you if you decide to keep the baby, and you’ll never be alone. I know you think you’re making the right decision, but I also know you and I know that if you go through with this, it’ll ruin you. I’m not trying to force a change in your decision, but I feel like you should know this…I don’t know that I can be with you anymore if you go through with this abortion. I’ll try my fucking hardest, because I can’t imagine my life without you, but I can’t possibly guarantee that it’ll work. Because I won’t be able to forgive myself for not doing more to change your mind.” He reached out and grabbed her hand, feeling the wetness from her tears on her skin. “But no matter what, Jacks, I will always love you.”

Silence hung between them for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Jackson raised her tear-stained face to him, looking utterly astounded. “I…I thought I was doing it for you,” she said finally, her voice sounding strained. “I mean, I know you’re against abortion and that you’d object at first, but I thought I could convince you it was for the best and that you’d realize…Tay, I was doing this because I can’t bear the thought of losing you. I thought you’d get halfway through this pregnancy with me and realize you didn’t want this as your life. Maybe you’d even make it until the birth. But eventually you’d see that this was never how your life was supposed to be. And you’d leave me. I thought if…if I made this all go away, we could go back to how we were, but if that’s what would make you leave me…” She stopped, her lips falling closed as words failed to come to her.

Taylor squeezed her hand and kissed her lips tenderly, bringing his free hand up to brush away the tears and cup her cheek. “Baby, having a family with you is the last thing that would ever make me leave you. Does this mean you’re not going to have the abortion?”

Jackson nodded slowly, releasing the breath that had been hovering in her lungs. He hugged her tightly, expressing wordlessly how happy he was with her change of heart. “I don’t deserve you, Taylor,” she said quietly, resting her cheek against his neck. “You’ve done nothing but be supportive and all this time I’ve been being so selfish. Why do you do that? Why do you put up with me? You could have this amazing future, yet you choose to be stuck with me and a baby for the rest of your life…I just don’t understand it.”

“I won’t be stuck,” he said, cradling her in his arms. “I’ll be living my life with my baby and the woman I’m so in love with it hurts. What could be more perfect than that?”

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