Exhale quickly realized that the quiet ride to the airport she had been expecting was not happening. Before she had so much as even secured her seatbelt, Zac was already maneuvering the car onto the streets and saying, “You know he’s still in love with you, don’t you?”

A little startled at his candor, Exhale took a second to respond. “I know,” she said softly, turning her eyes to the window and watching the busy city pass her by.

“I just don’t get it,” Zac shrugged. “He still loves you, and it’s obvious you still love him. What’s the problem?”

“It’s not that simple, Zac,” Exhale sighed. Her words were so familiar, so constant, as she had been trying to convince herself of that for the last few months that she’d spent without him. It hurt her to remember, because it reminded her of how hard she had tried to force things to be that effortless and how painful it was when she had failed. If she was sure of anything, it was that she would give anything to have it be as simple as Zac had just put it.

“Then explain it to me,” he said, his voice gentle but firm.

Turning her brown eyes to him, Exhale could see the determined set of his jaw, the openness in his features. Though they looked nothing alike, he reminded her so much of Taylor that it frightened her. “I…It’s just not that easy, Zac. I want to have a normal life. I want to finish college and start a career and get married and have kids. How can I have that life that I want, when Taylor’s life is almost constant traveling? Why should I have to give up my dreams to accommodate his? Yes, I still love him, and I always will, but that doesn’t mean that we can make this work.” Tears stung her eyelids, but she blinked them away impatiently. She refused to do this, to break down. It made her feel weak and vulnerable, and those were two qualities she rarely allowed herself to tolerate. Getting over Taylor would be the hardest thing she could ever imagine doing, and to do that she needed every ounce of strength available within her.

“You know…I know what happened between you guys last night, and if it wasn’t for that, I might actually believe everything you just said. Hale, I might not know you all that well, but I know that you’re an honest person. And I just can’t believe that you would come here and let yourself be with Taylor like that knowing you have a boyfriend at home if you didn’t want to be with him.” Zac turned to her then, locking eyes meaningfully as he stopped the car at a red light. “Honestly? I think you’re both being really stupid about this. You’re soulmates. Why give a fuck about anything else?”

Exhale opened her mouth to respond, but found herself utterly speechless. She let her jaw fall closed and turned her gaze back to the window silently. She didn’t hear another word from him until he left her at the gate. “I hope I didn’t offend you,” he said, offering her a smile. “It’s just hard to sit back and watch my brother get his heart broken and not say anything, you know? Forgive me?”

“Of course I do,” she said, pulling him into a hug. “Thanks, Zac. For everything. Taylor’s lucky to have a brother like you.”

As their quick embrace ended, Exhale lifted her messenger bag and slung it across her chest with a smile. “I’ll see you,” she said softly, turning to leave.

“Hey, Hale,” Zac called, causing her to stop and turn back to him questioningly. “You know, we’ve been sending some of our new songs to people…your brother, Reese…they both have them. You should listen to them sometime.”

“I will,” she lied easily with a smile on her face, waving quickly before turning once again and walking away. As she boarded the plane, she shook Zac’s words from her mind, knowing she would never seek the music out. Why bother, really? She knew exactly what she’d be in for, songs about Taylor’s heartbreak. And right then, she knew that was the last thing in the world she needed to hear, because aside from everything that had happened in the last few months, she had never felt worse about any of them than she did about the night before.

Slipping into her window seat, Exhale was relieved to find herself next to a young businessman who spent the entire flight staring intently at the screen of his laptop and paid no attention to the young girl beside him, crying silent tears as the plane brought her closer to home.

Even though she knew her intentions were to break up with Brady as soon as she got back to Tulsa, it didn’t make her feel any less guilty about cheating on him with Taylor. And even though she had been truthful in telling Taylor she didn’t regret what had gone on between them, it didn’t mean she didn’t feel absolutely disgusted with herself at the same time. Adding to the guilt of betraying Brady was the guilt of knowing she had only further complicated things with Taylor. Because just like always, she would be separated from him for an indefinite amount of time. She was so angry with herself for losing her inhibitions, not because she didn’t want to sleep with Taylor, but because she didn’t want him to assume it meant things were changing between them and that it meant they were getting back together. Every mile put between them as the plane neared Tulsa reminded her of all the reasons why she had broken up with him in the first place.

It didn’t feel like hours had passed since she’d left, because Exhale’s brain never stopped being in overdrive the entire time. But there she found herself, back in Tulsa and looking around to try and locate Raine near baggage claim. Finally, she saw her best friend waving excitedly and hurrying towards her before she was grabbed up in a hug. “Hale, I missed you! How was the party? Did you dance with any celebrities?”

“Nope, just Taylor,” Exhale said, forcing a smile and thankful she had stopped crying long enough ago that no evidence of her tears was left to be found on her face. “It was a ton of fun though. I have to wait for Taylor to send me all the pictures. Thanks for picking me up.”

“No problem,” Raine said, linking her arm with Exhale’s and leading her to the carousel. “You okay? You seem sad.”

“Not here, we’ll talk about it in the car,” Exhale sighed. She should have known that there was no hiding things from Rainey Boyer. As excited as she was to see her best friend, she almost wished her parents had gotten back from the beach so that they could have picked her up instead. As much as she knew she was eventually going to have spilled the whole story to Raine, she didn’t really want it to be right then when it was still so fresh in her mind.

Part of her hoped Raine would have forgotten about it by the time they got to the car and just keep asking her about the party and the shopping and the sights of New York, but Exhale knew that wasn’t really a possibility. No sooner had she climbed in the passenger seat of Raine’s car did her best friend prompt her for information. “Okay, so what’s going on?”

“I slept with Taylor last night,” Exhale blurted out gracelessly.

Raine glanced over at her with wide eyes as she cautiously made her way around the turns and down the parking garage to the exit. “Like, you mean just slept in the same bed, or…”

“Raine, you know what I mean,” Exhale sighed. “We had sex.”

“And are you guys back together now, or-”

Exhale pretended not to notice the glimmer of hope in Raine’s eyes and snapped, “No,” before Raine could even finish the question. “No, we’re not back together, so it was even more of a shitty thing to do. Because now I’m leading two guys on. Tell me, Raine, how did I go from the awkward teenager who couldn’t get a guy’s attention to save her life to this?”

“Because when you met Taylor, you became more confident. I saw that change in you, Exhale, and when you started to realize that you were just as beautiful on the outside as you were inside, it showed. You weren’t afraid anymore, and people notice that.”

“Raine, I don’t want any of this,” Exhale cried, the relentless tears returning. It surprised her that with all the crying she had done over the last few months, she hadn’t completely dried up yet. “I don’t want to be this…this horrible tease. God, I’m disgusting. I make myself want to literally vomit.”

“Hale, you are not a tease. As far as Brady’s concerned, you were planning to break up with him anyway, so why even tell him what went on with Taylor? And as for Taylor, you just…well, I don’t really know, because I can’t presume to know all that went on this week with you two. But what I do know is that if you just talk to him and tell him that even though you’re not with Brady anymore, you still need time to figure your life out, he’ll understand. He loves you. He’ll wait for you, Hale.”

“Just two days ago you were telling me that I need to figure myself out because Taylor wouldn’t always be there,” Exhale said, laughing a little despite all of the emotions ravaging her.

Laughing along with her, Raine glanced over at her. “Well, I stand by what I said, but knowing Taylor, you still have time.”

“God, I can’t believe I got myself into this mess,” Exhale groaned, covering her eyes. Though she was still confused as hell and angry with herself, she had to admit it felt good to talk about it with Raine, the one person she could always count on not to judge or condemn her.

They talked of the rest of her trip for the remainder of the car ride as they stopped by Raine’s house to pick up Bella and all of her belongings and then finally as Raine dropped her off at her house. Before she left, Raine pulled Exhale into a tight hug and kissed her cheek firmly. “Don’t be too down on yourself, okay? You’ll always be a wonderful person to me, and who else’s opinion matters anyway?”

Exhale laughed and shook her head. “Thanks, Raine…you’re the best.”

After unpacking all of her things and spending some time playing with Bella, Exhale knew it was now or never. After calling Brady to tell him she was coming, she got in the car and drove to his house, the knots in her stomach tightening with each mile that closed in between her and her destination. She had thought a lot about what Raine had said about not telling Brady she had slept with Taylor. She could break up with him easily and never have to divulge that information, and Brady would be none the wiser. By the time she was greeting him with a half-hearted kiss at the door and being ushered inside, Exhale still had no idea what she was going to say to him.

“Baby, I missed you so much,” Brady said, pushing the door closed behind her and pulling her into a tight hug.

Instead of responding, Exhale sighed and said, “Brady, we need to talk.”

Looking at her unsurely, Brady led her to his room for privacy from his roommates who were heatedly battling each other in some loud and explosive video game in the living room. “What’s up?” he asked, closing the door and turning to find her sitting gingerly on the edge of his bed.

“Brady, I’m sorry, but I can’t…do this anymore,” she said, tugging on her ponytail nervously and running her tongue over her lips as she waited for his response.

“What do you…what’s going on?” he asked, his eyes darting over her face in search of an explanation.

Words ran through her mind, fighting each other to come out, to be her explanation. Finally she locked her eyes with him and said, “I cheated on you with Taylor when I was in New York.”

She waited for him to react, to yell, to scream. She waited, but it never came. After a long silence, Brady sighed. “I kind of figured something like this would happen. But…it’s okay.” Her mouth dropped open at his words, and as surprised as she was at what he had just said, she was even more shocked when he continued. “I can forgive you, because I know how hard it would be not to slip and kiss him while you were there for a week, but I can forgive a kiss, Hale.”

Even then, Exhale knew all she had to say was that regardless, she didn’t want to be with him whether he forgave her or not. She could let him go on thinking nothing but a kiss had transpired between her and Taylor, and spare his feelings as best she could. But looking at him with his brown eyes full of hope as they searched hers and waited for her response, she wanted to tell him the truth. She wanted him to hate her as much as she hated herself. She wanted him to have a reason to make getting over her easier. “I didn’t just kiss him, Brady. I slept with him.”

He stared at her expressionlessly, his features never even flinching for what felt like the longest time. Finally, he stood up and began pacing the room in front of her, raking his hand through his hair and rubbing his eyes roughly. “Jesus, Brady, aren’t you even going to say anything?” she cried.

Pausing in front of her with his hand over his mouth, Brady stared at her as if she was a complete stranger. When he seemed to gain some composure, he moved his hand and said slowly and evenly, “You’re a cold-hearted, selfish, manipulative bitch.”

“I know I am,” she said quietly, welcoming his words. He was saying exactly what she felt like on the inside.

“Fuck you!” he yelled, making her jump at the sudden increase in volume. “Don’t fucking sit there and agree with me to make me feel better! Why even agree to date me in the first place when you knew you were never going to get over him, Exhale? Why drag me into your pathetic, fucked up life?”

“I don’t know!” she cried. As much as she had just welcomed his words, she had hoped his next words would be to kick her out of the house and say he never wanted to see her again. She wasn’t ready to justify or defend her actions, because she knew she couldn’t. Though she knew she didn’t need him to instruct her to leave to do so, her body felt glued to the bed with every word.

“Jesus Christ, Exhale! And after everything I told you about my last girlfriend…how she cheated on me, broke my heart into a million pieces, and obliterated my ability to trust anyone…you go and do the same thing?! I fucking trusted you!”

“I know!” Exhale snapped. “You think I haven’t told myself these things already?”

“I want to know why,” he said firmly. “I deserve to know that much.”

“It just happened, and I-”

“Not why you slept with him, that much I can guess,” Brady interrupted harshly. “Why you brought me into this. Did you even like me? At all?”

“Yes, I liked you,” she said quietly, raising her tearstained eyes from her hands and meeting his gaze. “I considered you a friend, and I had fun when I was with you, but…my heart was never in it, if that’s what you’re asking. I…Most of the reason I held on so long was…I thought it would help me get over Taylor.”

“God, I can’t…I can’t even believe what I’m hearing,” Brady said with a wry laugh. Lacing his fingers together, he brought his hands up to his eyes and held them there before dropping them with a sigh. “Are you that fucking heartless? Honestly? You…strung me along, let me think you felt the same feelings for me as I did for you…all so you could get over Taylor?”

“I’m not heartless,” she said, choking on her tears. “I didn’t…I never wanted or…intended to hurt you, Brady. I just…I went about this all the wrong way, and once things started, I…I didn’t know how to stop everything without hurting you, and now…I’ve just-”

“Made it a million fucking times worse,” he finished for her, his voice harsh. “Just…just get out. Have a great fucking life with your faggot ex-boyfriend.”

Brady’s eyes were cold and stony as he looked back at her, and Exhale didn’t even have the words or the strength to defend Brady’s insult. She grabbed her purse and made her way to the door, stopping as she pulled it open and turning back to him. “For what it’s worth…I’m sorry. You’re right…you didn’t deserve to be pulled into my pathetic life, and I’m sorry for that.”

He didn’t say anything, and Exhale wasn’t sure she expected him to as she pulled the door shut and left, knowing in her heart that Matthew Brady would live out his life without ever accepting her apology.

INDEX | CHAPTER FORTY ONE